Prison Talk, Part 2-- Thank God for Teachers

I never brought this up with teachers, for the reasons I've already described.  There's no good time.  It's uncomfortable.  Two years ago, when boy child was in fourth grade, my husband and I attended his parent-teacher conference.  Husband and I and teacher (who knew nothing of the situation) discussed and agreed that boy child had been a little out of sorts.  We pretty much left it at that.  The next day (yes, the VERY next day) the teacher (an absolute saint) called to tell me that boy child had burst into tears during the class' 'tell everyone what you're doing for Thanksgiving break' exercise; as he stated, "We're going to jail to visit my uncle and I don't want to talk about it."  So, yeah, we apparently should've given the teacher a head's up to the situation.  In my defense, I didn't have a manual.

After the call, and a meltdown on my part, I sent his teacher the following email:

Mrs. D,

I feel like giving you a little more information on the situation might be helpful.  

C's brother has been in federal prison in Michigan for just under three years, for charges relating to internet pornography(I apparently am not quite ready to come right out and say it, but if you look closely, you can read it through the black.  I'm all about the mind games).  Obviously, we had no idea; and when the feds came knocking on his door (right before Jerod was about to start kindergarten), we were shocked, saddened, mad, etc., etc.  My immediate concern, obviously, was whether or not my kids had been violated.  Upon completion of the investigation, we were assured that they were not.

Because our kids were so young, we initially just told them that their uncle was going to be gone for a long time.  As time has progressed, they've obviously learned more and more.  Clearly they know he's in prison, but the only reason why we've given them is 'he got into some stuff that wasn't his, he got in trouble, and he's being punished.'  The nature of his offense has turned a bad situation into a really bad situation... as we haven't felt able to tell them why M's in trouble.  

When he initially went away, we did not intend to take the kids to visit.  They pushed us about wanting to see him, though, and we ultimately decided to take them to see him.  They've been twice now.  It is extremely hard on all of us, but J takes it especially hard.  I have admittedly been in a little denial about our upcoming unconventional holiday plans.  As ridiculous as it sounds, it really didn't dawn on me that this could be what's causing his melancholy moods.  

I understand that this is a lot to take in, and for that I apologize.  As I mentioned on the phone, it's really tricky to know when to bring it up.  It ultimately is not secret information.  Our closest friends all know, but we have not readily shared it with people at Countryside (J didn't start there until 2nd grade, I'm not super social, and I'm still getting to know folks).  I also understand how bizarre it must be to read that we're actually taking our kids to visit.  It is something we struggled mightily with, but ultimately decided it was a way to teach our kids about unconditional love and forgiveness.  

If we can answer any more questions or be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to ask.  We are taking steps to find someone for J to see, because he's clearly not feeling like he can talk to us about it.  

Thank you again for your call and your compassion.  We appreciate it more than we can ever tell you.

To which she replied:  

Anne,

Thank you for sharing.  What you have shared with me will not go beyond me, but it may help me be able to help J in some way in the classroom.  He truly is an amazing kid (as I’m sure you know!) and if you can think of anything I can do for him please let me know.  I can only imagine the struggles that you must deal with related to this as a brother (in-law), and as a parent.  We do have a school psychologist who is a resource for kids to go and talk with here.  I could see if he could possibly talk with Jerod if you think that might help him.  Please let me know and I will facilitate whatever I can to help out.

Have a great week and good luck with the holidays.

If you know me at all, you know my belief that teachers are the single most underpaid, underappreciated group of angels on earth.  Seriously.  You can't tell me this woman knew she'd be dealing with this kind of stuff, yet she dealt with all of us with such grace, professionalism, and compassion.  There really are not adequate words to say how thankful I am.  

The following year, in fifth grade, I was more proactive.  I forwarded the email above along with this message at the beginning of the year:

Mr. D,

As a sort of 'follow up' to the worksheet I filled out about J, I'm sending a copy of a note I sent to Mrs. D last year.  On the day before Thanksgiving break last year, her class was going around telling what they'd be doing for the holiday, and Jerod burst into tears and said we were going to visit his uncle in jail.  The note below fills in some of the gaps.  This whole cluster may or may not be something that comes up this year.  My intent in sending this is so that you won't be caught completely off guard should it come up.

I realize this is an odd thing to share via email.  Finding the right time to broach this subject with others is one the many, many difficult aspects of this unfortunate scenario.  Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns.  You also most certainly have our permission to talk about this with Mrs. D or anyone else at Countryside you feel needs to know. 

And, completely unrelated... I thought I had bought the calculator, but apparently I haven't.  I will be in after school today to purchase one.

To which he replied:  

Thank you very much for the heads up.  I really appreciate it!

No worries about the calculator.  I have a meeting today right after school so Jerod can just show me the calculator tomorrow morning.

Thanks for all your support!!!

During this fall's conference (our first middle school conference!), I sat across the table from J's advisory teacher and gave her the low down.  I need to quit yapping and get to work, so I'm not going to spew all the details; but she was equally as incredible as the fourth and fifth grade teachers.  I don't claim to have all the answers to parenting, but I do know for a fact C and I could not do it alone.  I am so thankful for our village, including TEACHERS.

 

TEN

In the interest of not overwhelming this blog with talk of the pokey, I give you fire baby's 10th birthday slideshow.  She's a beast, but she's awesome.

Prison Talk

One might think the most challenging part of this chapter in life is talking about it, and that is true.  Sort of.  Actually, once you decide to talk about it, the discussion tends to not be too terribly difficult (though this could be because I've become somewhat desensitized to the situation).  What IS difficult, however, is knowing who to talk to about it, when to talk to them, how much to tell.

When it first became apparent that Uncle M was in trouble, our first instinct was to tell no one.  There are lots of reasons for this, but as I so often say, that's a post for another day.  Anyhoo, we initially chose to deal with the situation internally.  Bad idea.  Internalizing something you're feeling so viscerally leads to stress, anxiety, and an extremely foul mood.  I'm not saying it's not ok to be in a bad mood; but when you're perpetually in a bad mood for months on end, and people around you don't know why, relationships suffer.  I think, in looking back, I can say we didn't suffer any friendship casualties related to this; but many were strained for quite some time; which I attribute to us not sharing what we were dealing with.

Eventually, we did come to a point where we told people.  In fact,I hit a point where I really didn't care who the hell knew.  What was once a closely guarded secret, I will now discuss with anyone who wants to know more.  However, that doesn't mean everyone needs, or even wants to know.  The big issue I deal with is not wanting to talk about it, not because I'm hiding it, but because talking about it tends to make the person receiving such news pretty damn uncomfortable.  Imagine someone you know throwing it out in conversation that they have a loved one in prison.  How would you respond?  Even having been on this side of it, I don't know the answer to that.  And, when the hell do you bring up such a topic?  During joys and concerns time of your parenting support group?  Over dinner or drinks with friends?  At your kid's parent teacher conference?  There simply is no good time to throw that into a conversation.

Tune in next time for a report on how we finally did come to tell boy child's teacher of the situation.  It's a doozy.

Policy, Procedure, & Power

Last weekend, after probably two months of emailing back and forth to find a time that would work for both families (welcome to parenting and socializing in the modern era), we met up with family friends who we've known since J was a babe.  We would not be Minnesotans if the 'You going anywhere for MEA topic?' didn't come up, so of course it did.  This family knows of the situation and has heard some of our tales from previous visits to what we call 'La Casa Grande,' so we told them what we had in store.  Had they not had previous knowledge of the situation, we likely would have said, "We're going to Michigan to catch up with a college friend."  Which is true, because another absolutely fabulous perk of these trips is that we're always able to catch up with college friend Jen and her family.  Which brings up two topics that I'll leave now and hopefully blog about on another day.  Talking to people about this whole shebang, and how awesome it is to meet up with Jen and family on a regular basis.

Aaaaaanyhoo... the reason I brought up the friends we caught up with last weekend is because upon hearing our plans, she mentioned that they've started watching Orange is the New Black and asked if the visitation scenes portrayed on the show are realistic at all.  In a nutshell, yes they are.

Here's how it goes, on a good day, with no hitches:

• You check the website to see what visiting hours are.
• You arrive in the lobby and pick up a numbered visitor form to fill out.  It includes information such as the name (and of course number) of who you're there to see, your name and home address, make and model of the vehicle you're driving, home address, and any minors with you for whom you are responsible.
• A guard sitting in a glassed off cubicle of sorts calls out numbers (which correspond to the numbered forms).  Once your number is called, you enter the cubicle, sign in, remove your shoes, and go through a metal detector.  
• Upon passing the metal detector test, you enter a little anteroom of sorts.  Once a handful of other visitors have been processed, the guard comes in.  Then a huge door of bars (yes, prison bars) slides closed between the anteroom and the guard cubicle/lobby area.  Not to be overly dramatic, but it's an awful lot like this.  You really haven't lived until you've experienced this with your kids.  

• You enter the actual visiting area, check in with another guard at a desk, who tells you where to sit.
• You sit and wait for your inmate to come in.  Usually it's fairly quick.  Sometimes it's not.  We watched a family sit and wait for nearly an hour today.

Now I'll write about what can actually happen.  In some ways, it's the same.  Differences will be in a different colored text.

• You check the website to see what visiting hours are.  With any luck, the website will have been updated, but you never really know.  If you happen to arrive during a 'count,' or there's fog, or anything out of the ordinary has happened; all bets can be off.  We've historically been lucky in this regard, thankfully.  
• You arrive in the lobby and pick up a numbered visitor form to fill out.  It includes information such as the name (and of course number) of who you're there to see, your name and home address, make and model of the vehicle you're driving, home address, and any minors with you for whom you are responsible.  Should the country be in the midst of an ebola scare, you'll have to fill out a sheet of paper saying you haven't been in western Africa in the past 21 days; and if you have, you must certify you're not suffering from runny turds.  While waiting for your number to be called, you'll watch others be called in and then come out because they didn't meet some visitor standard or another.  There are no words to adequately convey the ridiculous sadness of watching this go down.  
• A guard sitting in a glassed off cubicle of sorts calls out numbers (which correspond to the numbered forms).  Once your number is called, you enter the cubicle, sign in, remove your shoes, and go through a metal detector.  If you don't meet all the criteria for the visitor dress code, you get sent out to change; and the guard tells you to fill out another form (a.k.a. move to the back of the line).  Yesterday, boy child was wearing sweat pants and girl child was wearing yoga pants.  DENIED.  Thankfully we had our suitcases in the car, so we went out to change.  Unfortunately, yoga pants was all I'd packed for girl child; because that's all she ever wears.  Thankfully, I had packed my black 'skinny jeans,' which can double as not skinny jeans on a nine year old (because believe you me, there wasn't any chance of skinny jeans getting past this week's guard.) Girl child has been in with yoga pants before, and boy child has been in with sweat pants before; but that nonsense wasn't going to fly with this week's guard.  And, in case you're wondering, these standards most certainly vary; depending on who the guard is, what kind of mood he/she is in, his/her general impressions of you, barometric pressure.  Seriously, it is totally random.  If after you've changed clothes and filled out your forms for a second time a new inmate should arrive with the local sheriff to report, previously mentioned guard will SPRINT out of his little glass area to meet the sheriff before he brings the inmate into the lobby, because inmate can't walk through the lobby while visitors are sitting there.  Inmate will go back into his cage in the back of the van and guard will tell all visitors that they have to leave the building.  Visitors will wait outside while inmate is escorted in, complete with cuffs and lots of chains.  You really haven't lived until you've experienced this with your kids.  
• Upon passing the metal detector test, you enter a little anteroom of sorts.  Once a handful of other visitors have been processed, the guard comes in.  Then a huge door of bars (yes, prison bars) slides closed between the anteroom and the guard cubicle/lobby area.  Not to be overly dramatic, but it's an awful lot like this.  You really haven't lived until you've experienced this with your kids.  

• You enter the actual visiting area, check in with another guard at a desk, who tells you where to sit.
• You sit and wait for your inmate to come in.  Usually it's fairly quick.  Sometimes it's not.  We watched a family sit and wait for nearly an hour today.

So... that's more than you ever wanted to know about the entry process for visiting an incarcerated family member.  Which also presents another future post topic:  how/when/why we decided that we would take our children to visit Uncle M in la casa grande.

The title of this post is the summary.  There are policies and procedures, and there is most definitely a power struggle going on.

Michigan, Day 2

Good things about our current MEA excursion

• Because we're in need of a new mattress at home, hotel beds often offer me a superior sleeping experience to that of my own bed.  Weird, huh?  The room darkening curtains don't hurt either. 
• I got to enjoy a sit down breakfast with both my kids.  That practically never happens in real life.  
• My kids are currently playing in the hotel pool, like two moderately tame and housebroken creatures who don't hate one another.  Also highly unusual in real life.

Less good things

• The waterpark, as well as the arcade, we usually enjoy while on these trips is closed for maintenance.  
• The corn maze that was to be a substitute for the water park doesn't open until 6pm this evening.  'Cause the 'M' in MEA doesn't stand for Michigan.  
• This is a working 'vacation' for my parenting partner in crime.  He's been on a call all morning and will remain online for at least another hour.  This is not exactly a complaint.  He works hard and the fruits of those labors afford us the privilege of being able to take this trip (and lots of others).  Which is impressive, if you factor in that I am not a wage earning member of society.  But still kind of a bummer.

Really poopy things

• In about an hour and a half, we'll all shower and start getting ready for the real reason we're here:  to visit Uncle M in prison.

How My Family Will Be Spending MEA

MEA is upon us.  For you non-Minnesotans, MEA is code for a weekend in October when each and every k-12 school in Minnesota has a four day weekend.  In theory, it's so educators can attend state meetings.  But I've never known any teachers who have attended meetings.  I'm not passing judgement.  I loves me some teachers and would never commit such a heinous act.  I'm just telling you I don't exactly know all the details of the MEA phenomenon.  I just know my kids don't have school today or tomorrow.

MEA plans for families here in our affluent, cake-eating corner of the state cover a wide range of activities.  Some families do absolutely nothing.  Some go to DisneyWorld.  My family?  This year we're going to Michigan to visit my brother-in-law, who currently resides in a federal prison.  

I don't know if anyone ever reads this blog.  I can't blame anyone for NOT reading it, as I'm just coming off nearly a two year hiatus from posting anything on it.  If you're one of the people in my life who didn't previously know I have an incarcerated brother-in-law, I apologize for this uncouth method of breaking the news.  But, unless you've walked this mile in my shoes, I trust you will not judge how I decide to (or not to) share such details of my life.

I'm not real sure why I'm deciding to blog about this at this point, other than the fact that it's always a good/bad/fun/painful/completely surreal experience; and I guess this year I just need an outlet.  Uncle M has been residing in Michigan since 2010.  His journey to leave home and self-report actually started on Palm Sunday of that year.  I won't go into the Biblical significance (or lack thereof... still figuring that one out) of the timing of the departure.

Today our family of four visited Uncle M for, I believe, the fourth time.  The past two years we've come over the Thanksgiving holiday (Chris and I actually celebrated 15 years of marriage last year on Thanksgiving day.  That will have to be a post unto itself!).  There's a WHOLE lotta back story to be told here, and I'm not going there this evening (though you should stay tuned if you really want to know the nitty gritty details).

For this evening, I'll just say this:  I just spent about two and a half hours in the visiting room of a federal prison.  Getting through security is also something that's going to need to be an entire post to itself, but just know it's generally a shitty process.  My kids have been relatively difficult to deal with all day (not that I blame them) and I'm sitting at a small pool in the Dundee, MI Holiday Inn while my kids scrub some energy in the pool.  I'm spent.  Check back later for more details in this sordid tale.  Or don't.  Despite the fact that I'm posting this on the WWW, this exercise is for me and me alone.  Whether or not anyone else reads it is completely irrelevant.

That sounds snotty.  I don't mean it too.  I'm just tired.  Hasta luego, blogger land.

Parenthood is So Damn Relentless

The name's Will.  Iron Will.

The title of today's post (the first one in nearly two years!) is my most liked Facebook post of last week.  And, perhaps one of my most liked posts of all-time.

Last week was, as they say, one of those weeks.  I frequently (and admittedly inappropriately) refer to Elise as 'the fire baby.'  More acceptable terms would be bullheaded, headstrong, intractable, mulish, obstinate, pertinacious, or strong willed.  And yes, if you're wondering, I totally have a thing for thesaurus.com.  I love the interweb!

Anyhoo.  She totally overachieved in her role as fire baby last week.  My parenting partner in crime has traveled a lot recently.  Thankfully, he was in town last week, because I'm not sure I would've survived on my own.  

Back in our Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) days, they frequently talked about how kids (and surely adults too) have periods of equilibrium, where things roll along routinely and all is status quo; and disequilibrium, where all hell breaks loose.  It's safe to say we are in the midst of disequilibrium.  

Every. little. thing.  last week was a complete battle with this child.  Homework, eating dinner, getting ready for soccer, getting out of bed, taking a bath.  Relentless.  And, we're not off to a much better start this week.  She was a complete bear about getting out of bed.  She had homework to get done.  Time was ticking away.  Chris told her we weren't going to nudge her anymore.  If she didn't get out of bed and get ready, she would just face the consequences.  Knowing that she wouldn't be too terribly sad if she missed the bus and didn't make it to school, I had to alter this plan of attack.  I said to her, "Elise, at 8:55 you are going out to the bus stop.  I don't care if you're still in you pj's, I will take you out there and physically put you on the bus.  And you will be extremely embarrassed."  I immediately walked out.  I could hear her retorting in the background, but thanks to the background noise of the dishwasher and shower, I couldn't hear what she was saying.  Had I heard her, there's a 99.9% chance she would've set me off, so the universe (and the shower and dishwasher) was working in my favor.  Thank you, universe!

She made it to the bus.  She ate breakfast, brushed her teeth, and was dressed; but the homework was not done.  The plan was to finish it on the bus.  It will be interesting to see how that went for her.  I hope it didn't get done.  And I hope there will be a consequence at school.