Prison Talk, Part 2-- Thank God for Teachers

I never brought this up with teachers, for the reasons I've already described.  There's no good time.  It's uncomfortable.  Two years ago, when boy child was in fourth grade, my husband and I attended his parent-teacher conference.  Husband and I and teacher (who knew nothing of the situation) discussed and agreed that boy child had been a little out of sorts.  We pretty much left it at that.  The next day (yes, the VERY next day) the teacher (an absolute saint) called to tell me that boy child had burst into tears during the class' 'tell everyone what you're doing for Thanksgiving break' exercise; as he stated, "We're going to jail to visit my uncle and I don't want to talk about it."  So, yeah, we apparently should've given the teacher a head's up to the situation.  In my defense, I didn't have a manual.

After the call, and a meltdown on my part, I sent his teacher the following email:

Mrs. D,

I feel like giving you a little more information on the situation might be helpful.  

C's brother has been in federal prison in Michigan for just under three years, for charges relating to internet pornography(I apparently am not quite ready to come right out and say it, but if you look closely, you can read it through the black.  I'm all about the mind games).  Obviously, we had no idea; and when the feds came knocking on his door (right before Jerod was about to start kindergarten), we were shocked, saddened, mad, etc., etc.  My immediate concern, obviously, was whether or not my kids had been violated.  Upon completion of the investigation, we were assured that they were not.

Because our kids were so young, we initially just told them that their uncle was going to be gone for a long time.  As time has progressed, they've obviously learned more and more.  Clearly they know he's in prison, but the only reason why we've given them is 'he got into some stuff that wasn't his, he got in trouble, and he's being punished.'  The nature of his offense has turned a bad situation into a really bad situation... as we haven't felt able to tell them why M's in trouble.  

When he initially went away, we did not intend to take the kids to visit.  They pushed us about wanting to see him, though, and we ultimately decided to take them to see him.  They've been twice now.  It is extremely hard on all of us, but J takes it especially hard.  I have admittedly been in a little denial about our upcoming unconventional holiday plans.  As ridiculous as it sounds, it really didn't dawn on me that this could be what's causing his melancholy moods.  

I understand that this is a lot to take in, and for that I apologize.  As I mentioned on the phone, it's really tricky to know when to bring it up.  It ultimately is not secret information.  Our closest friends all know, but we have not readily shared it with people at Countryside (J didn't start there until 2nd grade, I'm not super social, and I'm still getting to know folks).  I also understand how bizarre it must be to read that we're actually taking our kids to visit.  It is something we struggled mightily with, but ultimately decided it was a way to teach our kids about unconditional love and forgiveness.  

If we can answer any more questions or be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to ask.  We are taking steps to find someone for J to see, because he's clearly not feeling like he can talk to us about it.  

Thank you again for your call and your compassion.  We appreciate it more than we can ever tell you.

To which she replied:  

Anne,

Thank you for sharing.  What you have shared with me will not go beyond me, but it may help me be able to help J in some way in the classroom.  He truly is an amazing kid (as I’m sure you know!) and if you can think of anything I can do for him please let me know.  I can only imagine the struggles that you must deal with related to this as a brother (in-law), and as a parent.  We do have a school psychologist who is a resource for kids to go and talk with here.  I could see if he could possibly talk with Jerod if you think that might help him.  Please let me know and I will facilitate whatever I can to help out.

Have a great week and good luck with the holidays.

If you know me at all, you know my belief that teachers are the single most underpaid, underappreciated group of angels on earth.  Seriously.  You can't tell me this woman knew she'd be dealing with this kind of stuff, yet she dealt with all of us with such grace, professionalism, and compassion.  There really are not adequate words to say how thankful I am.  

The following year, in fifth grade, I was more proactive.  I forwarded the email above along with this message at the beginning of the year:

Mr. D,

As a sort of 'follow up' to the worksheet I filled out about J, I'm sending a copy of a note I sent to Mrs. D last year.  On the day before Thanksgiving break last year, her class was going around telling what they'd be doing for the holiday, and Jerod burst into tears and said we were going to visit his uncle in jail.  The note below fills in some of the gaps.  This whole cluster may or may not be something that comes up this year.  My intent in sending this is so that you won't be caught completely off guard should it come up.

I realize this is an odd thing to share via email.  Finding the right time to broach this subject with others is one the many, many difficult aspects of this unfortunate scenario.  Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns.  You also most certainly have our permission to talk about this with Mrs. D or anyone else at Countryside you feel needs to know. 

And, completely unrelated... I thought I had bought the calculator, but apparently I haven't.  I will be in after school today to purchase one.

To which he replied:  

Thank you very much for the heads up.  I really appreciate it!

No worries about the calculator.  I have a meeting today right after school so Jerod can just show me the calculator tomorrow morning.

Thanks for all your support!!!

During this fall's conference (our first middle school conference!), I sat across the table from J's advisory teacher and gave her the low down.  I need to quit yapping and get to work, so I'm not going to spew all the details; but she was equally as incredible as the fourth and fifth grade teachers.  I don't claim to have all the answers to parenting, but I do know for a fact C and I could not do it alone.  I am so thankful for our village, including TEACHERS.